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Ambivalence about Improvement in Relationships: Relax, it’s normal.
It is extremely common to feel ambivalent about changing your relationship even when you know that it should be better. In fact, maybe it would be abnormal not to have doubts. Many of us are trained by life’s experiences to not ask for more from others. We also are aware that it is very difficult for people to make significant changes. Finally, we fear that talking about things, particularly in front of a stranger, might actually make things worse. Most of the couples that I see have tried to improve their relationship, but were frustrated when the changes they made were either not lasting or did not make enough of a difference.
So how is this ambivalence or fear displayed? First, each partner may be reluctant to announce out loud that he or she believes the relationship needs help. It can feel that naming it will only be hurtful and make things worse. Often a person calls for an initial appointment and after saying they need to check with their partner about dates or times, calls back for that appointment….6 months later. After the initial appointment, couples frequently put off making follow-up appointments. They may blame each other for this oversight or scheduling problems but often they are both putting off this seemingly dangerous work. Partners may also sabotage their work in more subtle ways such as forgetting to follow through on assignments or increasing emotional distance between themselves after they begin treatment. One or both may also suggest that going out together or getting counseling is simply too expensive. This is more about ambivalence than money. The cost of dating each other and counseling is negligible compared to the emotional, physical and financial costs of marital stress to themselves and their children.
Does this mean that one (or both) of them simply doesn’t care enough? Not at all! These fears are common and justified. It is more likely that the partners care too much. A sense of desperation to feel safe and loved again, and panic that this is not going to happen combine to paralyze them in negative cycles.
The good news is that you can break up this pattern. Naming the problem can be frightening but ultimately it will be a relief for both of you to have it on the table. The reluctance to speak about this makes you both guess and pull further apart from each other. We know that most people that get help, actually do very well and report improvement very quickly when there is a good match between them and the therapist.
Benefits of Marriage & Marriage Therapy | What to Expect from Couples Therapy |
